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The Big "O"

Sep 242012

In my work I often talk about ejaculation and orgasm – but you might be surprised to find out there’s actually a big difference between the two. You’ve probably found out for yourself that orgasm can be one of the most intense and satisfying of experiences. But interestingly, science has recently discovered that orgasm takes place mainly in the brain, as opposed to ejaculation, which is just a reflex in a localised area.

For men at least, ejaculation can drain energy, especially if it happens more than a couple of times a week. Remember that sleepy feeling you often get afterwards, and you can understand why many athletes abstain from sex the night before a big match or event!

Repeated and regular ejaculation can deplete the body of vitality, especially bearing in mind the bioelectrical energy that circulates through every cell of our bodies. Much of this energy is trapped in our lower chakras, the areas responsible for sexual functioning – and it leaves the body during ejaculation. But if you can learn to circulate this energetic charge and ‘ride the waves’ of orgasmic energy without ejaculating, you can experience much longer and more intense full body orgasms.

You might already know this practice as ‘edging’. It basically involves bringing yourself close to, but not over the point of no return, then halting stimulation for up to 20 seconds to allow the urge to come to subside. At the same time, you contract your pelvic floor to pull the ‘charge’ of energy you’ve built up inside the body. To help delay ejaculation, pull gently on your balls or squeeze around the base of the head of the penis. Remember to breathe deeply into the belly to help the energy move upwards.

Repeat this process regularly and over time you’ll find your arousal levels rise to higher and higher peaks of pleasure, which you’ll start to feel through your whole body instead of just in the genitals. After you’ve peaked several times without ejaculating, stop here and notice how you feel. You might feel heat, or a tingling, buzzing sensation, you might feel highly energised or just very peaceful.

Experiment with this technique, and experience how different it feels to eventually ejaculate, compared to avoiding ejaculation altogether. You may well find that by stopping ejaculation except on special occasions, you feel more alive and joyous than ever!

And in those moments where you allow yourself to really let go, you could even discover that Holy Grail, the fabled male multiple orgasm!

Give and Take

Sep 172012

I was thinking just the other day about how much I love my work, and the pleasure I get from giving. And that made me suddenly very aware of how much easier it is for me to give than it is to receive. And yet, I doubt I’m alone in that. For most of us, it just feels much more within our comfort zone. For instance, think about the joy you get from seeing someone’s face light up as they open a present you’ve bought them, or the pleasure in cooking a delicious meal for someone special. It’s clear that giving is the easy part.

Receiving, on the other hand, can make us uncomfortable. It’s as though we’re hardwired to feel a bit guilty about taking pleasure without trying to give in return. That’s true in most instances, and especially when it comes to sex. The consensus seems to be that sex should be about giving and receiving pleasure at the same time. But how can we fully enjoy our own pleasure when we’re simultaneously trying to give to our partner, who’s also trying to give to us?! And it’s even more ironic when you consider that the vast majority of us get off on the idea of giving to a partner who’s totally enjoying themselves and able to fully go into their experience.

There’s a way round this conundrum – and it’s all about having great oral skills! And no, I’m not talking about your ability to tie your shoelaces with your own tongue. I mean communication. So here’s what to do. Step 1: agree to take turns with your lover, so you can experience pure giving and pure receiving. Set your intentions before you start, deciding who’s going to give and receive pleasure at which point. Step 2: ask for what you want. Tell your partner what you like. Ask them to go a little harder or more gently. Tell them if you want less teeth and more tongue, don’t just think it! Then you’ll be able to enjoy the experience of receiving, without feeling guilty about whether your partner’s having as good a time as you are.

Remember that conscious receiving means staying awake and present in the moment and with your partner, rather than drifting off or zoning out. Master this practice, and you’ll be able to surrender totally, and enjoy true freedom and fulfillment in your sex life. And if you get a twinge of guilt because your lover’s working hard for your benefit, remind yourself that it’s ok to go fully into your own pleasure. Don’t worry – you can pay them back next time!



All in a Spin

Sep 092012

Last week I went out for one of the most delicious meals I can remember in a long time. But it wasn’t just the food itself that made it such a memorable event. It was also my ability to really sense the tastes, aromas, sensations and feelings the food aroused that made the big difference to my experience. And it reminded me that when you’re able to tune in with all your senses, experiences become more pleasurable, intense and memorable.

This basic, but often forgotten fact can be applied in all sorts of areas – and it’s just as true for, yep, you guessed it, your sex life! Being fully present, aware and tuned in can work wonders, but it’s something that can often be hard to do. We’re constantly juggling a million tasks, trying to do to much at once, rather than sitting quietly and dealing with what’s going on in our heads. So by grounding us in the ‘now’, meditation can prove a useful tool for heightening awareness.

Meditation has been around for centuries – but you may not have tried this particular approach before. It’s a body-based meditation designed for us Westerners, who find it difficult to get out of our heads. Dynamic meditations can be powerful, intense and cathartic experiences. And while you might feel rather silly doing it, don’t forget that silliness can free us from feeling too grown-up and self-important. So see how it feels to play and be childlike. You might be surprised by how much you enjoy it.

Here’s what to do:

First, stand in an open, quiet space and close your eyes. Allow 5 to 15 minutes for each stage.

Step 1: Close your eyes and start to shake. Shake your hands, arms, legs, belly, head and face, every part of your body as much as you can. You might find that the shaking begins to happen on its own. Start to make sounds, speak gibberish, say ‘blah blah blah’ over and over or make up your own language. Allow whatever wants to come out of your mouth to come out.

Step 2: Dance around the room! But don’t do it self-consciously, or like you would on a podium at a nightclub! It doesn’t matter how you look. Just move however your body wants to move. Then after a few minutes, begin whirling around the room, in one direction and then the other. Remember that 70s TV show, Wonder Woman, where Lynda Carter did a cool spin around whenever she needed to change into superhero mode? That’s what you’re aiming for – a constant, steady twirl on the spot. Keep your eyes open slightly but unfocused. Start slowly, then speed up, and when you start feeling dizzy, slow down and reverse direction. Less is more with the whirling, don’t overdo it!

Step 3: Sit or lie down and be still. Focus on your heartbeat and breathe.

This is a great way to help release any negative energy, quiet the mind and get energy flowing through the body. You might notice more feeling in your hands and arms, or that parts of your body feel lighter and more awake. Whatever the effects, this state of heightened awareness is the perfect appetiser for more intense and enjoyable sex. Give it a whirl!