Give and Take

I was thinking just the other day about how much I love my work, and the pleasure I get from giving. And that made me suddenly very aware of how much easier it is for me to give than it is to receive. And yet, I doubt I’m alone in that. For most of us, it just feels much more within our comfort zone. For instance, think about the joy you get from seeing someone’s face light up as they open a present you’ve bought them, or the pleasure in cooking a delicious meal for someone special. It’s clear that giving is the easy part.

Receiving, on the other hand, can make us uncomfortable. It’s as though we’re hardwired to feel a bit guilty about taking pleasure without trying to give in return. That’s true in most instances, and especially when it comes to sex. The consensus seems to be that sex should be about giving and receiving pleasure at the same time. But how can we fully enjoy our own pleasure when we’re simultaneously trying to give to our partner, who’s also trying to give to us?! And it’s even more ironic when you consider that the vast majority of us get off on the idea of giving to a partner who’s totally enjoying themselves and able to fully go into their experience.

There’s a way round this conundrum – and it’s all about having great oral skills! And no, I’m not talking about your ability to tie your shoelaces with your own tongue. I mean communication. So here’s what to do. Step 1: agree to take turns with your lover, so you can experience pure giving and pure receiving. Set your intentions before you start, deciding who’s going to give and receive pleasure at which point. Step 2: ask for what you want. Tell your partner what you like. Ask them to go a little harder or more gently. Tell them if you want less teeth and more tongue, don’t just think it! Then you’ll be able to enjoy the experience of receiving, without feeling guilty about whether your partner’s having as good a time as you are.

Remember that conscious receiving means staying awake and present in the moment and with your partner, rather than drifting off or zoning out. Master this practice, and you’ll be able to surrender totally, and enjoy true freedom and fulfillment in your sex life. And if you get a twinge of guilt because your lover’s working hard for your benefit, remind yourself that it’s ok to go fully into your own pleasure. Don’t worry – you can pay them back next time!