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To Come Or Not To Come?

Apr 072013

In last week’s blog, I touched on the benefits of something that might, to the uninitiated, sound a bit like cooking yourself a beautiful dinner before dumping it uneaten in the bin – non-orgasmic sex!

If you’ve never heard about or properly considered it, you may find the idea bizarre. After all, isn’t the whole point of sex to reach orgasm? Well actually, non-orgasmic sex practices have been around for thousands of years, and used by people who discovered its amazing ability to heal the body, restore vitality and promote better health, harmony and spiritual awareness. And following on from last week’s blog, it’s also the case that withholding orgasm can actually ‘cheat’ our neurochemical conditioning, bonding us with our partners like never before and helping us to keep our relationships alive and thriving.

So how does this little-discussed practice actually work? Essentially, non-orgasmic sex shifts the focus of sex away from the genital region, stimulating our sexual energy without actually discharging it. Sexual energy can be produced and then channeled into our chakra and meridian systems to help keep us energised, vital and healthy.

The practise has also been used as a form of ‘soul development’ that takes sex beyond fleeting physical gratification to greater union and closeness. Using controlled movements and caresses that don’t lead to orgasm, the technique generates a steady stream of sexual energy that is converted into feelings of sublime joy and love.

So here it is… your guide to some of the principles involved in non orgasmic sex:

1. Connecting

Conscious connection is about staying present, tuning in to how your body feels, how your breathing flows, how your partner looks, feels or tastes and each and every passing moment. Feel your pleasure fully, take your time, and connect to your partner through prolonged eye contact, foreplay and caressing to help build up a sexual charge.

2. Breathing

Conscious breathing patterns help to connect us, both with ourselves and our partners – but breathing also enables us to collect up and move the ‘charge’ that builds up in our genitals during arousal, instead of leaving energy stuck there, where it can build up to the point of ejaculation. Circulating energy in this way can lead to some of the most profound, blissful states ever experienced, all without actually ‘coming’.

To do it, simply breathe in a continuous flow, with no pause between inhale and exhale. Breathe in and out through the mouth with lips slightly parted, allowing the belly to rise on each exhalation as you bring the breath all the way down into the diaphragm. Then just allow the breath to just fall out of the body on the exhale, as you make an ‘aaahhh’ sound. Most importantly, focus on making your breath a complete, unbroken circle.

3. Edging

‘Edging’ involves bringing yourself close to, but not over the point of no return. Contract your pelvic floor while you stop stimulating yourself for up to 20 seconds to allow the urge to come to subside. Guys, try pulling gently on your balls or squeeze around the base of the head of the penis to help delay ejaculation. Remember to breathe deeply into the belly to help energy move upwards.

Over time you’ll find your arousal levels rise to higher and higher peaks of pleasure, which you’ll start to feel through your whole body instead of just in the genitals. After you’ve peaked several times without ejaculating, stop here and notice how you feel. You might feel heat, or a tingling, buzzing sensation, you might feel highly energised or just very peaceful.

Many other cultures are wise to this type of sex, building energy slowly, taking their time, and enjoying longer-lasting, more fulfilling orgasms, instead of the ‘itch-scratching’ sex we’re perhaps more accustomed to in the West.

As you experiment with these tools, reserving your orgasm for ‘special occasions’ or foregoing it altogether, you’ll find that your sexual energy begins to seep into every cell in your body, and you start to glow with good health.

Remember that we’re most alive when we’re circulating energy – both within ourselves, and within our relationships. This technique allows you to do both at once, channeling sexual energy where it’s needed most, to help you feel alive and connected like never before.

In love and light,


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