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Blow Hot and Warm

Oct 242012

Great sex. It’s the holy grail for most of us, right? And yet, the idea of great sex is a highly subjective one. For some, great sex could mean a hot, horny encounter with a sexy stranger – while for others it’s a warm expression of pleasure and emotion with a loved one.

Whatever the definition, one thing’s clear: there’s a big difference between ‘hot sex’ and ‘warm sex’. Hot sex can be a major turn-on, with the thrill of exploring and conquering someone new. But that thrill can quickly lose its edge. Hot sex generally doesn’t last forever (as anyone who’s ever been in long-term relationship can testify!) and it ultimately burns itself out or loses its charge. Warm sex, on the other hand, can go the distance.

Warm, fulfilling sex is often about touch and connection – but as the physicality of the act takes over, warmth can be forgotten. Sure, sex is about pleasure, escaping thoughts, and letting go, but if we allow it, one of its roles is also to connect us to each other and ourselves, and experience deeper levels of awareness.

How to do this? There are a couple of techniques you can try to help create more ‘warmth’ during sex. One is through increasing your amount of eye contact. Did you know that there’s a whole school of anthropology that believes we evolved from ape to human partly because we were able to look each other in the eyes during orgasm, sparking a leap in consciousness and greater awareness of ‘self’. Fascinating stuff! So gaze into your lover’s eyes next time you have sex, and experience the change in quality of your love-making.

Breathwork is another technique that helps connect us – and in the process it enables us to collect up and move the ‘charge’ that builds up in our genitals during arousal, instead of leaving energy stuck there. Circulating energy in this way can lead to some of the most profound, blissful states ever experienced.

Here’s a breathing technique to try, which works equally well during either solo or partner-based sex. Called the Circular Breath, it’s breathing in a continuous flow, with no pause between inhale and exhale – and it’s a great way to build and move energy, and intensify sensation and feelings.

To try it, simply breathe in and out through the mouth with lips slightly parted, allowing the belly to rise on each exhalation and the breath to just fall out of the body with a sigh on the exhale. Most importantly, focus on making your breath a complete, unbroken circle. Experiment with this simple technique and you’re on your way to enjoying a warmer, more conscious and more meaningful sex life!

All and Nothing

Oct 142012

Ok, I admit it. I’m in love with doing nothing. And by ‘nothing’, I don’t mean relaxing with my head in a book, sipping quietly on a latte in my local cafe, sitting in meditation, or any of the other things that often count as doing ‘nothing’. I mean NOTHING! Complete stillness. Just being, and removing myself from all outside influences, compulsions, demands and stresses. For me, it’s the ultimate form of healing – and it’s something we often forget, feel guilty about, or don’t quite understand how to do in the first place.

We often stay busy in order to avoid that empty, ego-deprived feeling inside. Sometimes, in the stillness of nothing, we don’t always like what we find – and there’s no one to blame for the uncomfortable feelings it brings up. I’m reminded of the story of the young monk who would meditate in a boat. One day, while drifting out over the calm, blue water of a deep lake, his boat suddenly banged into something. Waking in a rage, the monk saw that another boat had hit his, and he began shouting abuse at its occupant – only to realise that the other boat had been drifting along completely empty. There was nowhere for his anger to land, no one else to blame, and the empty boat had become his teacher.

In our aloneness, we can be ourselves. We can acknowledge and clear out the negative, frightened feelings. We can make peace with our longings. We can recover the love that lies inside us, rather than looking for it outside, in external experiences, in those around us, in worldly matters. And in reconnecting with that ‘no-thing’ state, we can get to know and understand ourselves fully, and love ourselves simply by being ourselves, as we are. Once we can do that, we can love others unconditionally, for who they are. We can feel love without trying, without expectation, and without end.

Of all life’s gifts, it’s love that moves us most – to the highest, the deepest, the most rewarding and the most profound aspects of ourselves. And when we master pure, unending love for our selves, we can share it more easily with others. Love sits and waits for us all – and to find it, all you need do is nothing, and see where it leads.

Love is all around us

Oct 082012

I’ve been feeling very contemplative lately. Maybe it’s because Spring is in the air, and there’s a feeling of renewal, of new life and new possibilities – but  walking through the park the other day, I noticed how many couples were stretched out on the grass, busily canoodling, kissing and cuddling, while the birds noisily chattered and courted and cavorted in the trees above.

It got me thinking about how it seems to be part of the human condition to want to find love, to fall in love and to focus our efforts on finding ‘the one’, so we can enjoy those feelings of being in love. But are we missing the point? What if love’s not about mushy Valentines day sentiments and the Hollywood happy ending. What if it’s something we can all access, at any time, whatever our situation or relationship status? What if love really is (to quote a famous song title) all around us?

Here’s a beautiful story I read recently, which illustrates how love is everywhere, if only we learn to look for it:

“Recently, a friend asked me to go for a walk through his favourite park. We left home and he started talking about his corporate strategies, his ideas for a renovation and some other personal matters. We walked for an hour and I listened to his stories. Then I asked him if he’d like to do the walk my way.

This time we walked in silence. We got to a tree, I put my hand on it and invited him to touch the bark, to get dirty, feel the texture, imagine the journey the bark had been through to get there. Then I pointed to a bird hopping around the branches above; a beautiful, brightly coloured bird, and we both smiled at each other. I saw a glint in his eyes that wasn’t there before.

We walked on and came to a grassy hilltop, damp from the previous night’s rain. I lay on it, soaking myself in the warmth and the smell, then rolled down the hill, like a child. I began to laugh. He followed, reluctant to get wet, but by the end he was sobbing into his hands.

I found a magnificent flower dropped from a branch. I placed it between my palms and handed it to him, with a smile, and gave him the hug of his life. His eyes filled with tears again, and we walked slowly home.

We must re-learn the art of stillness. It may be confrontational at first, but eventually this experience of falling in love will become permanent, always behind the reality of everyday life.”

This, for me is the key to love – and whether you’re single or in relationship, you can fall in love again and again with life, whenever you choose.


Come To Your Senses

Oct 012012

Just the other day, I watched a man in my local cafe gazing longingly at his female companion’s’ rather prominent nipples during conversation. We’ve all been there eh, girls… that awkward feeling as you realise his eyes are focused a good few inches below where they should be. Hey fellas… last time I checked, it was the eyes that were the windows to the soul, not the boobs!

All joking aside, in that moment, I realised what visual creatures a lot of men are. But when it comes to using our sense of sight, touch, taste, sound and smell, you might be surprised to learn that most of us rely on one of our five senses much more than the others.

Here’s the trick: if we can figure out whether we’re more motivated by touch than sight, or taste than sound, that understanding can really help us in our sex lives. So here’s a fun test to help you figure out your own sensory preference! Try to picture in your head the following situations or scenarios, and pay attention to how easy or difficult it is to conjure them up.

Touch: Rolling around naked on a fur rug. Diving into a cool pool on a hot day. Running your hands along smooth, soft, warm skin. Pulling on a cold wetsuit.

Taste: Biting into a still-warm chocolate croissant. Swallowing a mouthful of ocean. Sucking a lemon wedge. Sipping a glass of crisp white wine.

Sound: Hearing birds singing and the wind in the trees. Listening to waves crashing. Hearing your lover talk dirty. A car alarm outside your front door.

Smell: The aromas in your favourite café. The scent of a bunch of lilies. Wood smoke on a crisp autumn afternoon. Burning rubber from a screeching tire.

Sight: The view from Sydney harbour bridge. Your favourite movie star naked on your bed. The night sky lit up by stars. The inside of the last bar you visited.

Whichever category came most easily to mind or triggered the strongest reaction is the one you’re primarily motivated by. And once you’re more aware of what most triggers your sensual reactions, you can start asking for more of the stuff that REALLY gets you excited.

Try this exercise on a friend or lover. Once you’ve figured out their main turn-ons, you’ll be able to connect with them on a whole new level. Get creative and figure out some unusual, surprising or cute ways to appeal to their primary sense preference. That way you won’t be wasting your cash on a bunch of flowers when they’d really rather have you tickle them all over with an ostrich feather!