Great sex. It’s the holy grail for most of us, right? And yet, the idea of great sex is a highly subjective one. For some, great sex could mean a hot, horny encounter with a sexy stranger – while for others it’s a warm expression of pleasure and emotion with a loved one.

Whatever the definition, one thing’s clear: there’s a big difference between ‘hot sex’ and ‘warm sex’. Hot sex can be a major turn-on, with the thrill of exploring and conquering someone new. But that thrill can quickly lose its edge. Hot sex generally doesn’t last forever (as anyone who’s ever been in long-term relationship can testify!) and it ultimately burns itself out or loses its charge. Warm sex, on the other hand, can go the distance.

Warm, fulfilling sex is often about touch and connection – but as the physicality of the act takes over, warmth can be forgotten. Sure, sex is about pleasure, escaping thoughts, and letting go, but if we allow it, one of its roles is also to connect us to each other and ourselves, and experience deeper levels of awareness.

How to do this? There are a couple of techniques you can try to help create more ‘warmth’ during sex. One is through increasing your amount of eye contact. Did you know that there’s a whole school of anthropology that believes we evolved from ape to human partly because we were able to look each other in the eyes during orgasm, sparking a leap in consciousness and greater awareness of ‘self’. Fascinating stuff! So gaze into your lover’s eyes next time you have sex, and experience the change in quality of your love-making.

Breathwork is another technique that helps connect us – and in the process it enables us to collect up and move the ‘charge’ that builds up in our genitals during arousal, instead of leaving energy stuck there. Circulating energy in this way can lead to some of the most profound, blissful states ever experienced.

Here’s a breathing technique to try, which works equally well during either solo or partner-based sex. Called the Circular Breath, it’s breathing in a continuous flow, with no pause between inhale and exhale – and it’s a great way to build and move energy, and intensify sensation and feelings.

To try it, simply breathe in and out through the mouth with lips slightly parted, allowing the belly to rise on each exhalation and the breath to just fall out of the body with a sigh on the exhale. Most importantly, focus on making your breath a complete, unbroken circle. Experiment with this simple technique and you’re on your way to enjoying a warmer, more conscious and more meaningful sex life!

I’ve been feeling very contemplative lately. Maybe it’s because Spring is in the air, and there’s a feeling of renewal, of new life and new possibilities – but  walking through the park the other day, I noticed how many couples were stretched out on the grass, busily canoodling, kissing and cuddling, while the birds noisily chattered and courted and cavorted in the trees above.

It got me thinking about how it seems to be part of the human condition to want to find love, to fall in love and to focus our efforts on finding ‘the one’, so we can enjoy those feelings of being in love. But are we missing the point? What if love’s not about mushy Valentines day sentiments and the Hollywood happy ending. What if it’s something we can all access, at any time, whatever our situation or relationship status? What if love really is (to quote a famous song title) all around us?

Here’s a beautiful story I read recently, which illustrates how love is everywhere, if only we learn to look for it:

“Recently, a friend asked me to go for a walk through his favourite park. We left home and he started talking about his corporate strategies, his ideas for a renovation and some other personal matters. We walked for an hour and I listened to his stories. Then I asked him if he’d like to do the walk my way.

This time we walked in silence. We got to a tree, I put my hand on it and invited him to touch the bark, to get dirty, feel the texture, imagine the journey the bark had been through to get there. Then I pointed to a bird hopping around the branches above; a beautiful, brightly coloured bird, and we both smiled at each other. I saw a glint in his eyes that wasn’t there before.

We walked on and came to a grassy hilltop, damp from the previous night’s rain. I lay on it, soaking myself in the warmth and the smell, then rolled down the hill, like a child. I began to laugh. He followed, reluctant to get wet, but by the end he was sobbing into his hands.

I found a magnificent flower dropped from a branch. I placed it between my palms and handed it to him, with a smile, and gave him the hug of his life. His eyes filled with tears again, and we walked slowly home.

We must re-learn the art of stillness. It may be confrontational at first, but eventually this experience of falling in love will become permanent, always behind the reality of everyday life.”

This, for me is the key to love – and whether you’re single or in relationship, you can fall in love again and again with life, whenever you choose.

In my work I often talk about ejaculation and orgasm – but you might be surprised to find out there’s actually a big difference between the two. You’ve probably found out for yourself that orgasm can be one of the most intense and satisfying of experiences. But interestingly, science has recently discovered that orgasm takes place mainly in the brain, as opposed to ejaculation, which is just a reflex in a localised area.

For men at least, ejaculation can drain energy, especially if it happens more than a couple of times a week. Remember that sleepy feeling you often get afterwards, and you can understand why many athletes abstain from sex the night before a big match or event!

Repeated and regular ejaculation can deplete the body of vitality, especially bearing in mind the bioelectrical energy that circulates through every cell of our bodies. Much of this energy is trapped in our lower chakras, the areas responsible for sexual functioning – and it leaves the body during ejaculation. But if you can learn to circulate this energetic charge and ‘ride the waves’ of orgasmic energy without ejaculating, you can experience much longer and more intense full body orgasms.

You might already know this practice as ‘edging’. It basically involves bringing yourself close to, but not over the point of no return, then halting stimulation for up to 20 seconds to allow the urge to come to subside. At the same time, you contract your pelvic floor to pull the ‘charge’ of energy you’ve built up inside the body. To help delay ejaculation, pull gently on your balls or squeeze around the base of the head of the penis. Remember to breathe deeply into the belly to help the energy move upwards.

Repeat this process regularly and over time you’ll find your arousal levels rise to higher and higher peaks of pleasure, which you’ll start to feel through your whole body instead of just in the genitals. After you’ve peaked several times without ejaculating, stop here and notice how you feel. You might feel heat, or a tingling, buzzing sensation, you might feel highly energised or just very peaceful.

Experiment with this technique, and experience how different it feels to eventually ejaculate, compared to avoiding ejaculation altogether. You may well find that by stopping ejaculation except on special occasions, you feel more alive and joyous than ever!

And in those moments where you allow yourself to really let go, you could even discover that Holy Grail, the fabled male multiple orgasm!

Last week I went out for one of the most delicious meals I can remember in a long time. But it wasn’t just the food itself that made it such a memorable event. It was also my ability to really sense the tastes, aromas, sensations and feelings the food aroused that made the big difference to my experience. And it reminded me that when you’re able to tune in with all your senses, experiences become more pleasurable, intense and memorable.

This basic, but often forgotten fact can be applied in all sorts of areas – and it’s just as true for, yep, you guessed it, your sex life! Being fully present, aware and tuned in can work wonders, but it’s something that can often be hard to do. We’re constantly juggling a million tasks, trying to do to much at once, rather than sitting quietly and dealing with what’s going on in our heads. So by grounding us in the ‘now’, meditation can prove a useful tool for heightening awareness.

Meditation has been around for centuries – but you may not have tried this particular approach before. It’s a body-based meditation designed for us Westerners, who find it difficult to get out of our heads. Dynamic meditations can be powerful, intense and cathartic experiences. And while you might feel rather silly doing it, don’t forget that silliness can free us from feeling too grown-up and self-important. So see how it feels to play and be childlike. You might be surprised by how much you enjoy it.

Here’s what to do:

First, stand in an open, quiet space and close your eyes. Allow 5 to 15 minutes for each stage.

Step 1: Close your eyes and start to shake. Shake your hands, arms, legs, belly, head and face, every part of your body as much as you can. You might find that the shaking begins to happen on its own. Start to make sounds, speak gibberish, say ‘blah blah blah’ over and over or make up your own language. Allow whatever wants to come out of your mouth to come out.

Step 2: Dance around the room! But don’t do it self-consciously, or like you would on a podium at a nightclub! It doesn’t matter how you look. Just move however your body wants to move. Then after a few minutes, begin whirling around the room, in one direction and then the other. Remember that 70s TV show, Wonder Woman, where Lynda Carter did a cool spin around whenever she needed to change into superhero mode? That’s what you’re aiming for – a constant, steady twirl on the spot. Keep your eyes open slightly but unfocused. Start slowly, then speed up, and when you start feeling dizzy, slow down and reverse direction. Less is more with the whirling, don’t overdo it!

Step 3: Sit or lie down and be still. Focus on your heartbeat and breathe.

This is a great way to help release any negative energy, quiet the mind and get energy flowing through the body. You might notice more feeling in your hands and arms, or that parts of your body feel lighter and more awake. Whatever the effects, this state of heightened awareness is the perfect appetiser for more intense and enjoyable sex. Give it a whirl!

Walking home the other night, wafts of warm air suddenly caressed my skin. After months of cold weather, I wasn’t sure what they were at first. But as I moved through these little bliss pockets of warmth, I suddenly smelled the faint perfume of jasmine in the air, a sure sign that spring is on the way. And it got me thinking about how aromas can conjure up powerful emotions, awakening lost memories and transporting you to beautiful moments and places. 

Smell is probably one of our most underrated senses. We tend to rely more on sight, touch, taste and hearing, our most dominant ways of interacting with the world. Smell is slightly more subtle, especially in the city, where we’re forced to shut down our senses to some degree, as we’re faced with the onslaught of noise, chaos and sensory overload of the concrete jungle. Yet smell can be highly effective in arousing our spirit, helping us create a sacred space and giving us a deep sense of calm and stillness.

I often use aromas in my work – and when a client walks in and smells the rich, earthy, musty scent of vetiver, or the intoxicating heady fragrance of neroli, they know instantly that they’re somewhere they can connect with their senses, their spirit and their humanity.

Nature offers some amazing sacred spaces, whether they’re mountains, rainforests, gardens, waterfalls or beaches – and our sense of smell, when triggered, can take us back to the natural world, and back to our origins. Smells help us create a place of refuge and sanctuary, somewhere we can escape the pressures of the day and feel safe and comfortable. 

Where is your most sacred space? It could be a temple, a monument, a garden, or a cave. It could even be somewhere inside you, the quiet part of you that just ‘is’. How do you create sacred space in your own life? Think about using essential oils as a way of heightening your awareness and anchoring yourself in the present. Stimulate your senses and cultivate a sense of harmony and balance. Breathe deeply and feel your connection to your surroundings and your higher self.